Week Quotes Funny

Week Quotes Funny

Week Quotes Funny To Make You Laugh Out Loud

Week quotes funny to make a smile on your face. Sometimes the start of the week just boring no one wants to go to work on Monday. These funny week quotes start your week with smiles and happiness. After reading these Week Quotes you can start your week with a beautiful smile.

Don’t forget to share these week quotes funny with your friends and family to make them happy too. You can share these funny week quotes on your social media status like Facebook, WhatsApp, Pinterest, Reedit Twitter, Instagram, or any other social media that you use.

Here are a collection of Week funny quotes images to share with your friends and family.

Week Quotes Funny Images

  1.  “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”– Winston Churchill Woody Allen
  2.  “A day without laughter is a day wasted.”– Charlie Chaplin
  3. “Political correctness is tyranny with manners.”– Charlton Heston
  4.  “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”– Abraham Lincoln
  5.  “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”– Abraham Lincoln
  6.  “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”– Al McGuire
  7.  “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”– Albert Camus
  8.  “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”– Albert Einstein
  9.  “All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.”– Alexander Woollcott
  10.  “War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.”– Ambrose Bierce

Week Quotes Funny

  1. “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”– Andy Rooney
  2. “If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”– Ann Landers
  3. “I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”– Arthur C. Clarke
  4. “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”– Ashleigh Brilliant
  5. “To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.”– Ashleigh Brilliant
  6. “Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”– Benjamin Franklin
  7. “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”– Benjamin Franklin
  8. “Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?”– Benny Hill
  9. “Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.”– Bertrand Russell
  10. “The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.”– Bertrand Russell
  11. “Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”– Bill Maher
  12. “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”– Billy Wilder
  13. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”– Bob Hope
  14. “We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”– Bryan White
  15. “As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”– Buddy Hackett
  16. “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.”– Caroline Rhea
  17. “All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”– Casey Stengel
  18. “He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.”– Charles de Gaulle
  19. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”– Charles Lamb
  20. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”– Charles M. Schulz
  21. “By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”– Charles Wadsworth
  22. “High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.”– Christopher Morley
  23. “If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.”– Chuck Palahniuk
  24. “When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.”– Clarence Darrow
  25. “They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.”– Clint Eastwood
  26. “I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.”– Colonel Sanders
  27. “Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”– Cullen Hightower
  28. “If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?”– Cynthia Heimel
  29. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”– Dalai Lama
  30. “Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”– Dale Carnegie
  31. “Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.”– Daniel J. Boorstin
  32. “It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.”– Dave Barry
  33. “Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”– Dave Barry
  34. “I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”– David Lee Roth
  35. “Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.”– David Letterman
  36. “The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”– Demetri Martin
  37. “A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”– Denis Waitley
  38. “Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.”– Desmond Morris
  39. “As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.”– Dick Cavett
  40. “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”– Don Marquis
  41. “The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.”– Dorothy Parker
  42. “Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”– Doug Larson
  43. “To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.”– Doug Larson
  44. “I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.”– Douglas Adams
  45. “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”– Dr. Seuss
  46. “I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.”– Drake
  47. “An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.”– Dylan Thomas
  48. “Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”– E. B. White
  49. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”– Earl Wilson
  50. “The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.”– Edward Abbey
  51. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”– Elbert Hubbard
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  53. “A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”– Eleanor Roosevelt
  54. “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.”– Emo Philips
  55. “How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”– Emo Philips
  56. “Leave something for someone but doesn’t leave someone for something.”– Enid Blyton
  57. “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”– Erma Bombeck
  58. “Never have more children than you have car windows.”– Erma Bombeck
  59. “I drink to make other people more interesting.”– Ernest Hemingway
  60. “Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.”– F. Scott Fitzgerald
  61. “You’re only as good as your last haircut.”– Fran Lebowitz
  62.  “Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”– Francois de La Rochefoucauld
  63. “Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.”– Francois de La Rochefoucauld
  64. “The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.”– Fred Allen
  65. “Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.”– George Bernard Shaw
  66. “We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.”– George Bernard Shaw
  67. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”– George Burns
  68. “If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”– George Burns
  69. “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.”– George Carlin
  70. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”– George Carlin
  71. “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”– George Carlin
  72.  “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”– George Carlin
  73. “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”– George Carlin
  74. “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.”– Gertrude Stein
  75. “A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”– Groucho Marx
  76. “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”– Groucho Marx
  77. “Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!”– Groucho Marx
  78. “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”– Groucho Marx
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  80. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”– Groucho Marx
  81. “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”– Groucho Marx
  82. “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”– Groucho Marx
  83. “A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.”– H. L. Mencken
  84. “The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”– Harlan Ellison
  85. “It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.”– Harry S. Truman
  86. “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock.”– Henny Youngman
  87. “All men are equal before fish.”– Herbert Hoover
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  89. “If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.”– Hillary Clinton
  90. “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.’”– Homer Simpson
  91. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”– Isaac Asimov
  92. “I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.”– J. Paul Getty
  93. “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”– Jackie Mason
  94. “Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.”– James Thurber
  95. “When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.”– Jane Wagner
  96. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”– Jay Leno
  97. “My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.”– Jean Rostand
  98. “Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.”– Jeffree Star
  99. “Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.”– Jessica Simpson
  100. “Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.”– Jim Davis
  101. “Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.”– Joan Collins
  102. “Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?”– John Barrymore
  103. “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.”– John F. Kennedy
  104. “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”– John Hughes
  105. “The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.”– John Maynard Keynes
  106. “Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.”– John Wayne

Short Week Quotes Funny Images

Here are some short funny week quotes you can read and share with your friends. Don’t forget to share these short funny week quotes on your social media profile.

  1.  “If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”– Johnny Carson
  2.  “Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”– Josh Billings
  3.  “Life is hard. After all, it kills you.”– Katharine Hepburn
  4.  “I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”– Marc Maron
  5.  “Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.”– Mark Twain
  6.  “Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.”– Oliver Goldsmith
  7.  “If you must make a noise, make it quietly.”– Oliver Hardy
  8.  “The road to success is always under construction.”– Lily Tomlin
  9. “If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”– Lawrence Ferlinghetti
  10.  “I am only human, although I regret it.”– Mark Twain

Short Week Quotes Funny

  1. “I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”– Robin Williams
  2. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”– Robin Williams
  3. “The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.”– Josh Billings
  4. “The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.”– Kin Hubbard
  5. “True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”– Kurt Vonnegut
  6. “A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.”– Laurence J. Peter
  7. “Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.”– Laurence J. Peter
  8. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”– Lily Tomlin
  9. “Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.”– Mae West
  10. “Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.”– Margaret Culkin Banning
  11. “Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”– Margaret Mead
  12. “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”– Mark Twain
  13. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”– Mark Twain
  14. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”– Mark Twain
  15. “I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”– Mark Twain
  16. “I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.”– Mark Twain
  17. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”– Mark Twain
  18. “When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”– Mark Twain
  19. “Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.”– Martha Scott
  20. “God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk.”– Meister Eckhart
  21. “My theory is that all of the Scottish cuisines is based on a dare.”– Mike Myers
  22. “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”– Miles Kington
  23. “A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.”– Milton Berle
  24.  “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”– Milton Berle
  25. “I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”– Mitch Hedberg
  26. “It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, and waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”– Muhammad Ali
  27. “God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.”– Naguib Mahfouz
  28. “The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.”– Natalie Wood
  29. “The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.”– Nicolas Chamfort
  30. “A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.”– Oliver Herford
  31. “Man has his will, but a woman has her way.”– Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
  32. “Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.”– Oscar Levant
  33. “There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”– Oscar Levant
  34. “What the world needs are more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.”– Oscar Levant
  35. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”– Oscar Wilde
  36. “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”– Oscar Wilde
  37. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”– Oscar Wilde
  38. “I can resist everything except temptation.”– Oscar Wilde
  39. Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.”– Oscar Wilde
  40. “Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.”– Ozzy Osbourne
  41. “The only reason some people get lost in thought is that its unfamiliar territory.”– Paul Fix
  42. “To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.”– Paul R. Ehrlich
  43. “I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.”– Peter Cook
  44. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”– Phyllis Diller
  45. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”– Prince Philip
  46. “Life is a sexually transmitted disease.”– R. D. Laing
  47. “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.”– Redd Foxx
  48.  “The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.”– Reinhard Bonnke
  49. “When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.”– Richard Lewis
  50. “Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.”– Rita Mae Brown
  51. “When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”– Rita Rudner
  52. “If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.”– Rob Cordry
  53. “The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.”– Robert Bloch
  54. “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.”– Robert Frost
  55. “Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.”– Robert Frost
  56. “Older people shouldn’t eat healthy food, they need all the preservatives they can get.”– Robert Orben
  57. “I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”– Rodney Dangerfield
  58. “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”– Rodney Dangerfield
  59. “It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why to take the chance?”– Ronald Reagan
  60. “Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.”– Ronald Reagan
  61. “Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.”– Salvador Dali
  62. “A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”– Samuel Goldwyn
  63. “I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.”– Samuel Goldwyn
  64. “I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.”– Scott Adams
  65. “I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.”– Si Robertson
  66. “You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”– Solomon Schechter
  67. “If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”– Stan Laurel
  68. “Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.”– Stephen Colbert
  69. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”– Steve Martin
  70. “It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!”– Steven Weinberg
  71. “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”– Steven Wright
  72. “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”– Steven Wright
  73. “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”– Steven Wright
  74. “To steal ideas from one person are plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”– Steven Wright
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  76. “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”– Steven Wright
  77. “The world is a globe. The farther you sail, the closer to home you are.”– Terry Pratchett
  78. “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”– Thomas A. Edison
  79. “Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.”– Voltaire
  80.  “I hate women because they always know where things are.”– Voltaire
  81. “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”– W. C. Fields
  82. “We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.”– W. H. Auden
  83. “A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.”– Walter Bagehot
  84. “Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.”– Wilhelm II
  85. “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.”– Will Rogers
  86. “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”– Winston Churchill
  87. “Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.”– Woody Allen
  88. “Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.”– Yakov Smirnoff
  89. “Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”– Yogi Berra
  90. “If you come to a fork in the road, take it.”– Yogi Berra
  91. “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.”– Zsa Zsa Gabor

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