Week Quotes Funny To Make You Laugh Out Loud
Week quotes are funny to make a smile on your face. Sometimes the start of the week just boring no one wants to go to work on Monday. These funny week quotes start your week with smiles and happiness. After reading these Week’s Quotes you can start your week with a beautiful smile.
Don’t forget to share these week’s quotes funny with your friends and family to make them happy too. You can share these funny week quotes on your social media status like Facebook, WhatsApp, Pinterest, Reedit
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Here is a collection of Week funny quotes images to share with your friends and family.
Week Quotes Funny Images
1. “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”– Winston Churchill Woody Allen
2. “A day without laughter is a day wasted.”– Charlie Chaplin
3. “Political correctness is tyranny with manners.”– Charlton Heston
4. “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”– Abraham Lincoln
5. “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”– Abraham Lincoln
6. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”– Al McGuire
7. “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”– Albert Camus
8. “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”– Albert Einstein
9. “All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.”– Alexander Woollcott
10. “War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.”– Ambrose Bierce
Week Quotes Funny
- “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”– Andy Rooney
- “If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”– Ann Landers
- “I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”– Arthur C. Clarke
- “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”– Ashleigh Brilliant
- “To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.”– Ashleigh Brilliant
- “Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”– Benjamin Franklin
- “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”– Benjamin Franklin
- “Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?”– Benny Hill
- “Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.”– Bertrand Russell
- “The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.”– Bertrand Russell
- “Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”– Bill Maher
- “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”– Billy Wilder
- “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”– Bob Hope
- “We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”– Bryan White
- “As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”– Buddy Hackett
- “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.”– Caroline Rhea
- “All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”– Casey Stengel
- “He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.”– Charles de Gaulle
- “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”– Charles Lamb
- “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”– Charles M. Schulz
- “By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”– Charles Wadsworth
- “High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.”– Christopher Morley
- “If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.”– Chuck Palahniuk
- “When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.”– Clarence Darrow
- “They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.”– Clint Eastwood
- “I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.”– Colonel Sanders
- “Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”– Cullen Hightower
- “If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?”– Cynthia Heimel
- “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”– Dalai Lama
- “Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”– Dale Carnegie
- “Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.”– Daniel J. Boorstin
- “It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.”– Dave Barry
- “Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”– Dave Barry
- “I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”– David Lee Roth
- “Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.”– David Letterman
- “The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”– Demetri Martin
- “A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”– Denis Waitley
- “Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.”– Desmond Morris
- “As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.”– Dick Cavett
- “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”– Don Marquis
- “The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.”– Dorothy Parker
- “Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”– Doug Larson
- “To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.”– Doug Larson
- “I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.”– Douglas Adams
- “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”– Dr. Seuss
- “I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.”– Drake
- “An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.”– Dylan Thomas
- “Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”– E. B. White
- “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”– Earl Wilson
- “The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.”– Edward Abbey
- “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”– Elbert Hubbard
- “A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”– Eleanor Roosevelt
- “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.”– Emo Philips
- “How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”– EmoPhilips
- “Leave something for someone but doesn’t leave someone for something.”– Enid Blyton
- “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”– Erma Bombeck
- “Never have more children than you have car windows.”– Erma Bombeck
- “I drinkmto make other people more interesting.”– Ernest Hemingway
- “Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.”– F. Scott Fitzgerald
- “You’re only as good as your last haircut.”– Fran Lebowitz
- “Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”– Francois de La Rochefoucauld
- “Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.”– Francois de La Rochefoucauld
- “The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.”– Fred Allen
- “Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.”– George Bernard Shaw
- “We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.”– George Bernard Shaw
- “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”– George Burns
- “If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”– George Burns
- “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.”– George Carlin
- “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”– George Carlin
- “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”– George Carlin
- “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”– George Carlin
- “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”– George Carlin
- “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.”– Gertrude Stein
- “A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”– Groucho Marx
- “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”– Groucho Marx
- “Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!”– Groucho Marx
- “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”– Groucho Marx
- “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”– Groucho Marx
- “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”– Groucho Marx
- “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”– Groucho Marx
- “A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.”– H. L. Mencken
- “The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”– Harlan Ellison
- “It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.”– Harry S. Truman
- “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock.”– Henny Youngman
- “All men are equal before fish.”– Herbert Hoover
- “If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.”– Hillary Clinton
- “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.’”– Homer Simpson
- “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”– Isaac Asimov
- “I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.”– J. Paul Getty
- “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”– Jackie Mason
- “Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.”– James Thurber
- “When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.”– Jane Wagner
- “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”– Jay Leno
- “My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.”– Jean Rostand
- “Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.”– Jeffree Star
- “Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.”– Jessica Simpson
- “Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.”– Jim Davis
- “Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.”– Joan Collins
- “Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?”– John Barrymore
- “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.”– John F. Kennedy
- “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”– John Hughes
- “The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.”– John Maynard Keynes
- “Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.”– John Wayne
Short Week Quotes Funny Images
Here are some short funny week quotes you can read and share with your friends. Don’t forget to share these short funny week quotes on your social media profile.
1. “If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”– Johnny Carson
2. “Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”– Josh Billings
3. “Life is hard. After all, it kills you.”– Katharine Hepburn
4. “I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”– Marc Maron
5. “Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.”– Mark Twain
6. “Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.”– Oliver Goldsmith
7. “If you must make a noise, make it quietly.”– Oliver Hardy
8. “The road to success is always under construction.”– Lily Tomlin
9. “If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”– Lawrence Ferlinghetti
10. “I am only human, although I regret it.”– Mark Twain
Short Week Quotes Funny
- “I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”– Robin Williams
- “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”– Robin Williams
- “The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.”– Josh Billings
- “The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.”– Kin Hubbard
- “True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”– Kurt Vonnegut
- “A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.”– Laurence J. Peter
- “Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.”– Laurence J. Peter
- “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”– Lily Tomlin
- “Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.”– Mae West
- “Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.”– Margaret Culkin Banning
- “Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”– Margaret Mead
- “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”– Mark Twain
- “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”– Mark Twain
- “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”– Mark Twain
- “I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”– Mark Twain
- “I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.”– Mark Twain
- “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”– Mark Twain
- “When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”– Mark Twain
- “Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.”– Martha Scott
- “God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk.”– Meister Eckhart
- “My theory is that all of the Scottish cuisines is based on a dare.”– Mike Myers
- “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”– Miles Kington
- “A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.”– Milton Berle
- “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”– Milton Berle
- “I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”– Mitch Hedberg
- “It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, and waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”– Muhammad Ali
- “God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.”– Naguib Mahfouz
- “The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.”– Natalie Wood
- “The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.”– Nicolas Chamfort
- “A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.”– Oliver Herford
- “Man has his will, but a woman has her way.”– Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
- “Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.”– Oscar Levant
- “There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”– Oscar Levant
- “What the world needs are more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.”– Oscar Levant
- “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”– Oscar Wilde
- “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”– Oscar Wilde
- “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”– Oscar Wilde
- “I can resist everything except temptation.”– Oscar Wilde
- Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.”– Oscar Wilde
- “Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.”– Ozzy Osbourne
- “The only reason some people get lost in thought is that its unfamiliar territory.”– Paul Fix
- “To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.”– Paul R. Ehrlich
- “I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.”– Peter Cook
- “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”– Phyllis Diller
- “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”– Prince Philip
- “Life is a sexually transmitted disease.”– R. D. Laing
- “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.”– Redd Foxx
- “The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.”– Reinhard Bonnke
- “When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.”– Richard Lewis
- “Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.”– Rita Mae Brown
- “When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”– Rita Rudner
- “If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.”– Rob Cordry
- “The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.”– Robert Bloch
- “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.”– Robert Frost
- “Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.”– Robert Frost
- “Older people shouldn’t eat healthy food, they need all the preservatives they can get.”– Robert Orben
- “I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”– Rodney Dangerfield
- “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”– Rodney Dangerfield
- “It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?”– Ronald Reagan
- “Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.”– Ronald Reagan
- “Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.”– Salvador Dali
- “A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”– Samuel Goldwyn
- “I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.”– Samuel Goldwyn
- “I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.”– Scott Adams
- “I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.”– Si Robertson
- “You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”– Solomon Schechter
- “If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”– Stan Laurel
- “Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.”– Stephen Colbert
- “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”– Steve Martin
- “It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!”– Steven Weinberg
- “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”– Steven Wright
- “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”– Steven Wright
- “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”– Steven Wright
- “To steal ideas from one person are plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”– Steven Wright
- “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”– Steven Wright
- “The world is a globe. The farther you sail, the closer to home you are.”– Terry Pratchett
- “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”– Thomas A. Edison
- “Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.”– Voltaire
- “I hate women because they always know where things are.”– Voltaire
- “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”– W. C. Fields
- “We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.”– W. H. Auden
- “A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.”– Walter Bagehot
- “Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.”– Wilhelm II
- “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.”– Will Rogers
- “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”– Winston Churchill
- “Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.”– Woody Allen
- “Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.”– Yakov Smirnoff
- “Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”– Yogi Berra
- “If you come to a fork in the road, take it.”– Yogi Berra
- “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.”– Zsa Zsa Gabor
What you say about this Week’s quotes is funny. Tell us in the comment box what was your favorite quote.